Why I cry in the morning
Dear Brave Ones,
For most of my life I’d wake in the morning unaware that I would immediately begin the process of avoiding myself. I would continue this way throughout the day until I went to sleep and then I’d wake the next morning and repeat the process. I was honestly completely unaware that this was happening. I thought that this was reality, I thought everyone existed like this. I never learned the skill of self awareness. I grew up not being given many choices or freedoms, so awareness was kind of irrelevant, it just got in the way because it made me wish for things that were beyond my control.
So on I went year after year, waking up and hating my body with a silent resentment.
I had the good fortune in my mid twenties to gain the awareness that I lacked awareness. I spent the next 5 years or so figuring out how to feel good in my body. I tried to figure out how to sit with uncomfortable feelings. How to witness myself. This looked a lot like checking off a list. I read a lot of books and watched a ton of videos. Made a morning ritual list, one I mostly couldn’t keep up with. I’d do meditation and breathing exercises. One huge game changer was getting into fitness, it really helped me feel my body and be aware of my thoughts.
During this period I thought that what I was doing was loving myself, loving my body, loving this experience, but in retrospect that was a period of learning to love myself. I was simply working the muscle. Putting in the practice.
At some point over the last year something shifted.
This morning made it only too evident. I woke up, brushed my teeth, got dressed, fed the dog, and I went to do 6 minutes of meditation. About a minute into breathing this thought popped into my head, a thought that has become more and more frequent in the last year or so. And the thought was that when I meditate or simply sit quietly I feel like I’m in love. It’s like walking into your home after a long flight and getting into your bed, no matter how comfy the bed at the Ritz is it’s just not your bed. You know what I mean? I get this feeling when I sit with myself, it’s the same feeling as cuddling up with a cozy blanket and hot cocoa on a snowy day. I actually feel this visceral feeling towards myself and my body. And when I say “my body” I mean that I witness myself experiencing the world through this physical form. It’s knowing that “I” am connected to a higher source.
I am connected to the Source, to the Universe, to Love.
So this journey, this adventure in this body is a gift. And knowing that this is a gift and that I am aligned with this great energy I get to ‘sit’ inside this body and feel it, like really feel it. And I feel so joyful and quite frankly I don’t have any other way to say it,
I don’t just love myself I am in love with myself, my human self. My divine self is in love with my human self.
That feeling when you first meet someone that excites you, makes you feel giddy, you want to be around them all the time, this is how I feel about myself. This thought permeated for awhile and then I burst into to tears. Joyful, loving, kind of playful like tears because I am SO in love with this body and this experience.
I can imagine my 20 year old self, or even my 15 year old self listening to me now and think that I’ve gone hippie dippie crazy and I laugh because yes, I can see how this sounds off the wall bonkers to someone who doesn’t practice a connection with the divine. But I can also see my 25 year old self feeling really proud,
because she knew there was something more.
She had no idea what it would look or feel like, but she just knew that waking up every morning avoiding feelings and experiences could not be the only way to live.
So this is my thank you, to that brave girl who started checking off the boxes, who did research, who tried things out, and who made mistakes. Thank you reaching for more.
I am so in love and I owe it all to her.
Love you big,
P.S. Can you imagine that if this is how I feel being in the first stage of love how I’ll feel after a decade of love, a lifetime of being in love with myself? xoxox
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